reflections. year one in chicago

This time a little over a year ago I was unemployed. Filled with hope, but mostly doubt. Doubt about what I was going to do with my life. Why did we move here? This place sucks. I hate Chicago. I could like it I guess. I do love fall. I like new and challenging experiences, maybe it will be okay. I wouldn't work for another two months. At that point I had no prospects, at least no real ones. Then came Haymarket Center (www.hcenter.org). A most unlikely place I would have picked to work, but I feel I can almost say it picked me. The last year has been invaluable. My unit, the Integrated Care Program serves 16 male clients, where to qualify they must be 1)uninsured 2) homeless 3) dually-diagnosed (mental health disorder and substance abuse. Most are unemployed as well.

Was I terrified going into this working environment? Yes, of course I was. But did I know what I was getting myself into? Maybe, but not really. As I look back do I regret it, of course not. This job has reshaped and challenged in every way imaginable how I view schizophrenia, psychosis, substance abuse, homelessness, poverty, bipolar, narcissism, gender, race, and socio-economic status. I encountered extremes in EVERY one of these areas. And I've loved it. Side note: If you have never known or experienced someone with schizophrenia (auditory hallucinations in particular), watch this 8 minute video. It gives a pretty, what I would call, tragic and terrifying depiction of it.


What else have I learned:

Transportation-wise
I've learned to drive down Lake Shore Drive with about a foot of space between cars on either side of me. No I'm kidding, it's probably a foot and a half.

I've learned to take trains as a main form of public transportation. I'm over it. Give me my car.

3 miles means plan for 30+ minutes of driving.

Cab drivers like to play the how many inches away from your car does my fender need to be before you give me the finger game

Chicago people LOOOOOOOOOOVE to honk their horn at you

You really do see some crazy things on the train: people who are practically naked, people on every kind of drug you could imagine, people maybe if not actually having sex, people yelling at nothing, people sleeping with a plastic CVS bag over their head, gambling cons throwing around 100 dollar bills in front of homeless riders begging for change, people picking fights with you, and so many other things I can't remember now.

People

I've met some (hopefully) lifelong friends while being here. And in some pretty unexpected places, from unexpected places. (Mississippi, SoCal, Boston-ish, Texas (of all places), Alexandria, Chicago,

If you're from the midwest, for me MN or WI, Chicagoans are not as polite as the states I come from. If you're from the East coast, Chicagoans are the nicest and kindest people.

The city is so crowded and I understand why no one talks to each other on the trains, because you can't ever escape people. You are always around people all the time...so you put headphones on, listen to music, read a book, avoid eye contact and pretend the world around you doesn't exist. I'm sure people would give me crap about this view, but as a northerner, that's how I see it.

There's a lot of other things about Chicago, but as I sit in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, it's refreshing to be around quiet, the silence of a snow covered lake, fire crackling, wind through the pines and deer walking past your windows. I haven't heard a siren in 7 days. It is amazing. Yet I kind of miss it. I am from Wisconsin after all, but I have really learned to love the city. You can take the boy out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the boy. Chicago, you aren't that bad, but you take some getting used to.

This is a quick snapshot of the past year plus. It has had its challenges and rewards. I do not regret moving to Chicago, but I am not convinced Chicago is for me. We'll see what 2015 holds. 

a question around the question of children

The majority of my married friends have kids, most of whom I love. So hear me say that I like, enjoy and even love children. I just do not want to have kids of my own. I never have and up until this moment of my life, I do not desire to have any kids of my own. But it is always interesting when I meet someone for the first time. This seems to be a foreign concept to most everyone I meet. I'll recount the last time this has happened. The typical conversation goes something like this:

(once they know Sara and I are married)

New Person: How long have you been married?
Me: About 3 1/2 years
NP: How many kids? (assuming we already have kids after 3 years)
Me: none
NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids? (again assuming we are going to have kids)
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: I'm sorry to hear that
Me: Sorry? How come?
NP: Well, we have friends who couldn't have kids either, that must be difficult ( assuming we want kids)
Me: Oh, it's not that we can't have any, we just don't want to have children
(and this is where I feel the immediate disdain for our choices coming from the person asking)

OR it continues or has the variation of this....


NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids?
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: Oh, but you'd be such a good dad

You know, I actually think I WOULD be a good dad too, but I didn't ask if I would be a good dad. Why do people feel like they need to affirm my father capabilities when hearing that I don't want to have kids? It's like they think that once they affirm my "dadness" that I will decide "oh you know, you're right, I would be a good dad, I think we will have kids now.
Or why do you need to affirm me for not having kids? I don't understand. 
Or assume we can't have children. 

It just becomes very frustrating. I love my friends' children and the chances to play with them, talk to them, and hangout with them. I love being a part of their lives, their development and helping shape and grow them as young people. Just because I may not have children does not mean I'm less of an adult or less human or that something is wrong with us. Instead, let me and Sara babysit for you so you can go out, have a nice evening or weekend as a couple and we'll spoil your kids and let them stay up late, have sugar and be the fun aunt and uncle.

Dave Matthews Band | Theology | Christianity

Most of you who know me, know that I love the Dave Matthews Band. I also love listening to music of any kind and seeing how it resonates with me and life at any given moment. Do you ever have those experiences where you hear a song or read a quote and years later you hear the same song or read the quote and it means something completely different?!?! Well I just had this experience. Either I'm sad or stressed or something, but any music I was playing was not doing the trick so I went to my default....Dave Matthews Band - Before These Crowded Streets album. (You want to experience the best hour of your life, listen to this album). Anywho, I was painting one of the rooms in our house and played this album in Spotify (I wanted to hear the "Spotify Live Series" version). I began at the beginning because every song on this album is my favorite. Well when "The Last Stop" began playing I heard it in a very different light. Maybe it's because of all the Facebook arguing, bantering, disagreeing, "tough guy" mentality that has occurred (myself included) recently around Christianity, gun control, same sex marriage, et all. Well I heard this song and I could not hear the lyrics and think this is EXACTLY how I have been feeling about faith and Christianity lately.

When he sings "you're" I hear him singing this to Christianity. I have no idea if his intentions were meant in this direction, but that is how I hear it today. I've listened to it so many times today and it has made me think our approach has been wrong for too long on how we engage with one another on areas of difference. (Sara also presented a paper yesterday at a conference on something very similar to this - Change Theory).

We (Christians) always think WE are right when it comes to (name the issue) and there is no room for doubt, error, questioning, or God forbid we are wrong on how we read the Bible or view God. So many of us cannot be "wrong" otherwise our lives are turned upside down. I get it. It hits all to close to home for me too. I'll let the song speak for itself. Maybe you won't see anything that I do and thats fine, then move on about your day. I just resonated with it and thought, for better or worse I'd share it.


Take a listen. Read the lyrics. See what you think.

Fire 
The sun is well asleep 
Moon is high above 
Fire grows from the east 
How is this 
Hate so deep 
Lead us all so blindly killing killing 
Fools are we 
If hate's the gate to peace 
This is the last stop 
For raining tears 
War 
The only way to Peace 
I don't fall for that 
Raining tears 
You're righteous, so righteous 
You're always so right 
Go ahead and dream 
Go ahead believe that you are the chosen one 
Raining tears 
Oh no 
Gracious even God 
Bloodied the cross 
Your sins are washed enough 
Mother's cry 
"Is hate so deep 
Must a baby's bones 
This hungry fire feed?" 
As smoke clouds roll in 
The symphony of death 
This is the last stop 
Scream 
Right is wrong now 
Shut up you big lie 
This black and white lie 
You comb your hair to hide 
Your lying eyes 
You're righteous, so righteous 
You're always so right 
But why your lie 
Go ahead and dream 
Go ahead believe that you are the chosen one 
This is the last stop 
Here there's more than is showing up 
Hope that we can break it down 
It's not so black and white (in the live version he says "your world is not so black and white")
You're righteous 
You're righteous 
You're righteous 
You'are always so right 
There you are nailing a god to a tree 
Then say forgive me, forgive me 
Why 
Raining tears 
This is the last stop 
Here there is more than is showing up 
Hope that we can break it down 
It's not so black and white

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlAFu4aQINw

colorado | film industry

I have recently been seeing some arguments back and forth about the shootings in Colorado and the role the new Batman movie had in it. Many think that Christopher Nolan, the director of the film, is guilty and at fault for making this person react how he did, indicating it is acceptable to kill people because they do it in the movies without much retribution. Others think that he is completely innocent and it's the fault of the person for doing the shooting, indicating that the movie played no role in the mass homicides at all.
It is my contention that this film, along with the thousands of other films in our society all play a role in how our world functions. It is clear that the film, TV, and advertising industry choose specific material to put in front of its' viewers for a reason, entertainment. In advertising it is placed in front of its' viewers to sell a product. Look how much sex is portrayed on TV. There are so many movies that have sex scenes in it that are not needed. One of the first things I think about is the Axe commercials and how if you use their product, skinny, young, attractive women will want to sleep with you. However, in the new Batman movie, along with all the others, there are mass killings throughout the movie, with little to no regard for human life. When we see this attitude portrayed on the screen, with the filter that TV and movies give us, how can we take it as serious as it really is. When compared to the movie, this tragedy in Colorado seems like nothing, yet, this has made widespread news across the world.
I do not believe that Nolan is solely responsible for actions like what happened in Colorado, but I do think the film industry has some responsibility in the matter. Clearly the murderer is and will be help responsible for his actions, that is no question. When we portray violence in a way that has no regard for humanity, there are people out there who will react similarly and it doesn't make it acceptable, but at the same time, this is what entertains our culture and we flock to sold out theaters at midnight to watch this, myself included.
I do not have a solution, but this is something that I've been thinking about since hearing of the tragedy in Colorado. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel for the family's of those injured, killed, or the family of victim, but what does films like this do. I understand that the film is also based upon a hero trying to stop the violence, but in the process, hundreds and thousands of people uninvolved and in Batman's "saving" process are killed. The killings don't feel real and we rarely if ever think about the reality of people dying in a movie when it's not the main plot line. But we do care when it happens in real life. How should we watch movies like this? Do we rid ourselves of movies like these to help the violent nature to creep up less often in our minds, or would it even matter? It easy for us to say, I saw it and I'm fine, I didn't go out and kill people, but remember, you are not the same as everyone else. You think differently than other people. You can't compare yourself to others.
There is so much to be said about this. Ultimately it is really sad for everyone involved, there are no words in the end. Prayers and thoughts go out to all involved. 

life as a chaplain | 1

A chaplain is an Intimate Stranger! Brought into the worst of situations with people we have never met and someone we are supposed to provide care and support. In my opinion one of the worst places for anyone to be is in a hospital. Not only is it a hospital, it displaces you from the things you love. Watching people lose loved ones that less than a month ago were fine, has shaken me to my core. I have been traumatized by having to look people in the eyes as they are actively dying, watching someone see a loved one die, or choosing to take their loved one off life support. These families have simply been displaced from their home, family, and normalcy of life. How do I not let this affect me?
One thing is for sure, my understanding of how shitty of a world this is has been dramatically increased through spending time with people suffering from such deeply life altering diseases. I have grown a great level of empathy, which I was hoping for, until it actually happened. It is paralyzing seeing someone in a patient bed and thinking of Sara being the patient. There are not words to describe the fear I feel of losing the closest person in my life, the one person I would spend eternity with and wouldn't care if all others ceased existing, THAT person. Sara.. Yet, this is happening to these families I encounter every day, and this is just in my hospital. From a global perspective it is heart wrenching. There is an image that has come to mind that depicts how I often see God in relation to these patients at the hospital. Too often I think or hear people say they know God is present in their situation, but is it good enough to just be a witness to crime.
And yet....somehow we're told, press on...tomorrow brings a new day...go to God and it will be better...and still, it's not...