The majority of my married friends have kids, most of whom I love. So hear me say that I like, enjoy and even love children. I just do not want to have kids of my own. I never have and up until this moment of my life, I do not desire to have any kids of my own. But it is always interesting when I meet someone for the first time. This seems to be a foreign concept to most everyone I meet. I'll recount the last time this has happened. The typical conversation goes something like this:
(once they know Sara and I are married)
New Person: How long have you been married?
Me: About 3 1/2 years
NP: How many kids? (assuming we already have kids after 3 years)
Me: none
NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids? (again assuming we are going to have kids)
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: I'm sorry to hear that
Me: Sorry? How come?
NP: Well, we have friends who couldn't have kids either, that must be difficult ( assuming we want kids)
Me: Oh, it's not that we can't have any, we just don't want to have children
(and this is where I feel the immediate disdain for our choices coming from the person asking)
OR it continues or has the variation of this....
NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids?
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: Oh, but you'd be such a good dad
You know, I actually think I WOULD be a good dad too, but I didn't ask if I would be a good dad. Why do people feel like they need to affirm my father capabilities when hearing that I don't want to have kids? It's like they think that once they affirm my "dadness" that I will decide "oh you know, you're right, I would be a good dad, I think we will have kids now.
Or why do you need to affirm me for not having kids? I don't understand.
Or assume we can't have children.
It just becomes very frustrating. I love my friends' children and the chances to play with them, talk to them, and hangout with them. I love being a part of their lives, their development and helping shape and grow them as young people. Just because I may not have children does not mean I'm less of an adult or less human or that something is wrong with us. Instead, let me and Sara babysit for you so you can go out, have a nice evening or weekend as a couple and we'll spoil your kids and let them stay up late, have sugar and be the fun aunt and uncle.
(once they know Sara and I are married)
New Person: How long have you been married?
Me: About 3 1/2 years
NP: How many kids? (assuming we already have kids after 3 years)
Me: none
NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids? (again assuming we are going to have kids)
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: I'm sorry to hear that
Me: Sorry? How come?
NP: Well, we have friends who couldn't have kids either, that must be difficult ( assuming we want kids)
Me: Oh, it's not that we can't have any, we just don't want to have children
(and this is where I feel the immediate disdain for our choices coming from the person asking)
OR it continues or has the variation of this....
NP: Oh so when do you plan on having kids?
Me: I don't plan to have any kids
NP: Oh, but you'd be such a good dad
You know, I actually think I WOULD be a good dad too, but I didn't ask if I would be a good dad. Why do people feel like they need to affirm my father capabilities when hearing that I don't want to have kids? It's like they think that once they affirm my "dadness" that I will decide "oh you know, you're right, I would be a good dad, I think we will have kids now.
Or why do you need to affirm me for not having kids? I don't understand.
Or assume we can't have children.
It just becomes very frustrating. I love my friends' children and the chances to play with them, talk to them, and hangout with them. I love being a part of their lives, their development and helping shape and grow them as young people. Just because I may not have children does not mean I'm less of an adult or less human or that something is wrong with us. Instead, let me and Sara babysit for you so you can go out, have a nice evening or weekend as a couple and we'll spoil your kids and let them stay up late, have sugar and be the fun aunt and uncle.
But you'd be such a good dad...
ReplyDelete; )
Craig
Care to elaborate on the initial feelings of why you don't want to have kids? Always interested in where thoughts/feelings originate for different people. I'm assuming its because this world needs zero more 49er fans... But you know what they sat about assumptions... :-)
ReplyDeletenow that I've read your corridor thing, I should have said "But Andy, you'd make such a good Dad". Sorry, I couldn't help it! You do not have to second guess your decision for anyone! Stay true to yourself and if I hear of anyone that needs a night out I'll give them your phone number! Love you, Aunt Karla
DeleteIt might be helpful to give an appropriate example of a way to ask about that which would feel more open and less assumptive, etc.... :)
ReplyDelete