The last few weeks/months I have felt as if I’ve just been a cynic when it comes to most things in life. This usually plays itself out by me questioning, judging and critiquing issues or people. If you were one of those people, I apologize. When I look back I wonder if cynicism can be a good thing? I’ve always known the word to have a negative connotation to it. However, I think have come to a place where I believe cynicism can be good and bad. If it were a good thing, others may call it healthy skepticism and those who view it as bad, would still call it cynicism, but I do think there is a balance that can be obtained. On one side, I think asking too few of questions or having minimal experiences can make one naive and on the other end you have cynicism. I tend to land on the side currently that makes me afraid of asking too many questions where I lose what I’m most passionate about, “doing.” I do not want to be the person who sits and wonders and asks questions all day and loses site of what Christ actually did most. Jesus served others. Walked with God. Was humble. Loved others well. So I am at this place where I’m trying to find this balance. Asking questions, but not ONLY asking questions and focusing on attaining the answers.
As I observe my thoughts on the Bible and in particular the authors who wrote each book, I error on the side of wanting to only believe the Gospels because those are the more directly related historical records of Christ. I tend to, at this point of my life, want to stay away from Paul. After all, is he not just trying to live out what Christ modeled? So why would I choose to model my life after someone who was human like all of us and may have interpreted Christ incorrectly? Here is where my cynicism escalates. I even question the authors of the Gospels. They were human like us. How do we know they understood their own time correctly? How could they have possibly recorded conversations with Christ accurately, being that the books were written after many of the Paul’s letters. We misinterpret God all the time. We think God tells us one thing and then later in life we realize maybe that wasn’t God, or maybe I had it wrong the whole time, maybe God was actually telling me something completely different. This happens to me and I have heard it happen with SO many people. How do we know this isn’t the case with the Gospels, Paul’s letters, the OT, manuscripts, etc….
Yeah of course I would love to believe everything I read unequivocally. I want to trust that “all scripture is inspired by God” as Timothy reads, they, that being the authors, Paul et all, were writing what they felt God was telling them. But then I immediately compare them to the people who kill others because they felt God was telling them to. Or the people who oppress others and justify it because “it’s in the bible.” So many things get God’s name attached to it that does more damage than good in my opinion which is partially why I am faced with these questions.
My questions do not come based off lack of knowledge of the Bible. Now of course I do not know or fully comprehend or understand all that the Bible is telling me. And yes, it can only help to continue reading and trying to learn, I get that. No, my dilemma is more that I do not believe that the author is without fault in his/her writing and interpretation and therefore I’m left with searching for what is true and what is not. For every book, commentary, article, etc… I read with one view/interpretation I can find another that has the opposite view/interpretation that sounds just as compelling. So, as with most things lately, the more I read, the more questions I come up with. I get “it’s all part of the journey” and I’m supposed to enjoy it, but sometimes the gray is not as fun as just “knowing.” As someone once said “it’s called faith and by that I believe.” That sounds good too, but doesn’t seem to sync with me that easily.
