A chaplain is an Intimate Stranger! Brought into the worst of situations with people we have never met and someone we are supposed to provide care and support. In my opinion one of the worst places for anyone to be is in a hospital. Not only is it a hospital, it displaces you from the things you love. Watching people lose loved ones that less than a month ago were fine, has shaken me to my core. I have been traumatized by having to look people in the eyes as they are actively dying, watching someone see a loved one die, or choosing to take their loved one off life support. These families have simply been displaced from their home, family, and normalcy of life. How do I not let this affect me?
One thing is for sure, my understanding of how shitty of a world this is has been dramatically increased through spending time with people suffering from such deeply life altering diseases. I have grown a great level of empathy, which I was hoping for, until it actually happened. It is paralyzing seeing someone in a patient bed and thinking of Sara being the patient. There are not words to describe the fear I feel of losing the closest person in my life, the one person I would spend eternity with and wouldn't care if all others ceased existing, THAT person. Sara.. Yet, this is happening to these families I encounter every day, and this is just in my hospital. From a global perspective it is heart wrenching. There is an image that has come to mind that depicts how I often see God in relation to these patients at the hospital. Too often I think or hear people say they know God is present in their situation, but is it good enough to just be a witness to crime.
And yet....somehow we're told, press on...tomorrow brings a new day...go to God and it will be better...and still, it's not...
One thing is for sure, my understanding of how shitty of a world this is has been dramatically increased through spending time with people suffering from such deeply life altering diseases. I have grown a great level of empathy, which I was hoping for, until it actually happened. It is paralyzing seeing someone in a patient bed and thinking of Sara being the patient. There are not words to describe the fear I feel of losing the closest person in my life, the one person I would spend eternity with and wouldn't care if all others ceased existing, THAT person. Sara.. Yet, this is happening to these families I encounter every day, and this is just in my hospital. From a global perspective it is heart wrenching. There is an image that has come to mind that depicts how I often see God in relation to these patients at the hospital. Too often I think or hear people say they know God is present in their situation, but is it good enough to just be a witness to crime.
And yet....somehow we're told, press on...tomorrow brings a new day...go to God and it will be better...and still, it's not...
Very honest read Andy :) I wanted to comment because I too have struggled with these issues.
ReplyDeleteThe displacement of other families was always supposed to affect us, and there would be something wrong with you if it didn't bother you to see people hurting and think nothing. If you haven't read Henry Nouwen's "Wounded Healer" in awhile, dig that out and put it on your work desk. Practice good self-care and take Jesus' tip of getting away from everything and getting back to your root relationship with God. That's what will keep your strength up.
A shitty world indeed! It looks a lot different when we're exposed to it instead of just writing about it in seminary huh? Part of being a chaplain/pastor in this world is to empathize with those that are hurting. You've got that down pat, and seeing your wife in that situation gives you the proper context of how the other person is viewing this hospital visit. But the other part of being a chaplain/pastor is remembering that Jesus didn't promise us health or happiness in this life. In fact, he promised us that this world would reject us and that we would have trouble. But he also promised that we could find rest and reconciliation with God through him. Our happiness in this world will not find us reconciliation with God. Our health could not get us closer to God. Only Jesus can get us closer to God, and we become ambassadors of that reconciliation to the world. Not to get all preachy, but we don't preach that everything will be alright in this world. We preach that despite what happens in this world, we've got something greater. There's lots more that could be said about that.
Finally, and I can't quite explain how, is that God isn't just a witness to this crime. I see a God who, when Adam and Eve were forced from the garden, proceeded to clothe them. I see a God who chased after the Israelite people time and time again. I see a God who sacrifices himself, even when all the ones he loved on this Earth abandoned him. I see the owner of the lost coin who tears the whole house apart in order to find it. And the shepherd who goes after the one lost sheep. I see a father who allows himself to be hurt in order to give us the freedom to do what we want. Given all of these images and pictures of a loving God, I have to believe that his heart breaks just as much as yours in that hospital room, if not more. And I also believe that he's looking to use you to communicate that hurt and pain he feels. God is only a silent witness when we become silent witnesses as well.
Sometimes, instead of pressing on and looking for the new day, it's time to hang up this old world and be ready to embrace the new creation that God has for us. To hang up this world's pain and suffering, it's hopes and failures. Everyone has a point in life where going to God literally means going to God. You, as a chaplain, have an awesome role in ushering that transition. Of painting a beautiful picture that this pain and suffering that the patient and family are feeling is not the whole story. Of a God who understands pain and suffering, and feels separation, loneliness, and grief. Painting that picture of a God who understands can change a family's course of history for generations.
I'll be praying for you!